Looking Like A Zombie, Feeling Like A Goddess

Good 'morrow fellow people.

You know when you get that feeling where you just can't be bothered to do your hair or makeup? Loads of girls are slowly nodding their heads to this one, a few guys as well I'm sure.
Well this is a reoccurring issue with me, I'm a fully qualified makeup artist (beauty) and am studying to be a sfx makeup artist, yet I cannot for the life of me, be bothered everyday to slap all sorts of expensive (or cheap) products onto my skin. I'll only just be bothered to roll my sleepy arse out of bed, I've only literally rolled out of bed onto the floor a few times, throw some clothes on that are clean-ish and get myself out of the flat as quick as possible! Now when I say I throw clothes on, I mean I do get dressed properly, I don't mean I have a sock on my hand and my trousers are on backwards. Sometimes I forget to put matching socks on but that's another story (who can be bothered to match socks anyway?)

Once I'm outside all sorts of mayhem happens. Children stare at your zombie like state, their parents are judging you and hoping you don't go near their offspring. They shouldn't be worried because I hate children and I would rather eat light bulbs than be within 2 cm of a sprog. But they don't know that, to them you are the weird lady slouching down the street wearing 9 layers of clothing in order to keep warm (change this to fit the season, eg: summer time, 1 layer of clothing etc...) you think I'm exaggerating but 9 layers is sufficient for someone who, I'm pretty certain of, has no blood. I'm always cold and I will always be cold no matter the weather. The 9 layers would consist of, a pair of tights and jeans, a small crop top underneath a longer top, underneath a long sleeved top, underneath another long sleeved top, which would be underneath a jumper and then on top of that I would usually have a hoodie and probably 2 scarfs and a big coat. I am not joking... Ok maybe I am a little bit, but when I see people going into the cold dark world in just a bomber jacket and little shoes I think to myself "HOW? How are you not dead? How have you survived these treacherous winds in such little clothing???" Fair do's to the people who can do that, well done!! It's just not for me.

When I make an effort I look older than I am, which is probably the same for most people. Without I look like a small child. A small boy child actually! I once got ID'd to get into Jurassic World because I was in tracky bottoms (sweat pants) and a hoodie with no makeup. The film was a 12. I kid you not. At what point does this become less offensive? At what point do I take it as a compliment that I actually look like a child? When I'm 80 and I look like a 40 year old? If I look 40 when I'm 80 I'll be very impressed and I'll probably be on the news or on those pop ups on websites that say "Plastic Surgeons Hate Her!!" That would be fun. I have three looks, I either look like a homeless person, a slut or a boy. There is no in between. I either have my stripper shoes on with a mini skirt and a crop top or skinny jeans, dr martens and a shirt. Sometimes I even end up looking like a lesbian. Fun times.

Sometimes it's nice to make an effort and do your face/hair/body all pretty and girly, when I try, I TRY! I go for it. I have my foundation and contour on, my highlighter could blind passersby, I like to believe it could one day knock someone off their bike, my eyeliner is sharp enough to cut that one bitch who is always mean to you and slags you off behind your back, ugh what a cow.. Sorry, sorry, I'm slowly slipping into hatred, I'll climb out of that now. Anyway, back to the subject at hand, my lipstick is always fabulous and my eyebrows are, as the kids call it, on fleek. So yeah, when I try I go for it and I nail it. Yeah I have the advantage of being a makeup artist but so what? There are people in the world who aren't makeup artists yet they 'slay' on a daily basis.

Just because you go out looking like a zombie doesn't mean you can't feel like a Goddess, Yeah I said it! I used the title of this post in the actual writing!! HA, go me.
I enjoy walking around and scaring the daylight out of someone with my under eye bags that could quite easily carry your shopping home for you (and do it in one trip). It's also fun to have a full face of makeup on and then accidentally fall asleep on a white surface. If you have done this, you'll understand why it's fun. Now, say you face plant this white surface and you don't move for the whole 6-8 hours of sleep you get, as you wake up from this luxurious nap you've had, you lift your face up to discover the contents of said face is now on your white surface. Now I don't mean just small splodge of eyeliner or something, OH NO, I mean like this:

Now, you know what I mean. It's bad. Moral of the story, always take your makeup off before you go to sleep.

Thanks for reading,
Love Nadia xxx

Broken Eggs And Why You Should Never Trust People.

Hello humans.

So as you can tell from the title of this post, eggs have been broken and milk has been spilt. Yet a tear was not shed. Someone swapped one of my eggs for a broken one.. Who does that??? At what point in your life do you think, "Hmmm, that persons eggs are so much better than my own. I know, lets swap one and see if they notice." I'm stumped... Why??? Surely this person didn't know that when I go to Aldi to purchase my eggs I do that little thing where you open the box and examine the eggs to make sure you don't buy any broken ones. You know, you judge each individual egg and if even one of them doesn't pass the test you swap the box, making the old box feel unloved. Pretty sure that was the idea behind Sausage Party. Anyway, I digress. Somethings are best left alone. 

Moving to University you realise that you can't trust the people you live with, they will do anything they can to eat/drink your stuff without you noticing. They will cut THE tiniest slither of your cheese just to taste it and have the satisfaction of knowing they got away with it. Before you know it all of the cheese is gone and the original owner of said cheese only had a small cheese toastie with it, yet it's gone. How is this possible? Is there a mouse in the house? A rat in the flat? No but there are snakes!!! They WILL lie to you, they will swear down that they had nothing to do with the disappearing cheese. You've just bought milk, you think "this should last me a while, I only use it for tea. I'll only get a small one." HA! How naive of you. While you're in class or have decided to go out for the day with friends, the snakes will drink some of said milk. But only if it's already opened. If it's not open, the milk is safe. But that is no way to live! You have to open that milk eventually, you're dying for a cuppa but you know that as soon as you pull that white cap off the top of the milk, the snakes will smell it. The only thing you can do at this point is to write your name on it. Yes, that will stop them! 

Do NOT get me started on the bathroom. Okay, I'll tell you. 

You buy your favourite shower gel/shampoo/conditioner/body scrub/etc... You have your little corner of the bath where you keep the things you decided to spend money on and you think it will be safe. You are wrong! So very wrong. Now if you live with girls you're usually ok as they too have bought their favourite things too. But if you live with a guy (heaven forbid) your stuff with never be safe. He may have his little corner with one little bottle of "We Do Everything, Body, Hair and Face" but he will not be satisfied with smelling like a man! Oh no, he will wait until he thinks no one will notice and slowly use up all of your special, organic shampoo that gives you the same volume as turbo wind. Or he'll lather his body up with your body scrub you saved up for which smells like the rain forest and makes you as soft as a babies bottom (however soft that may be). You'll go to use your stuff and they'll be a little less full, but you think nothing of it because a guy wouldn't possibly want to smell like a girl!?? Would he? SNAKE. Living with a guy is tough, they like to pee in the shower, if you own anything that falls off the side of the bath into the pool below you may as well just throw it out right away, and then take 1000 showers afterwards to cleanse your body and soul. But don't worry, your razors will be safe.......

The best place to keep all of the things that are sacred to you is in your bedroom. This is your sanctuary and no one will touch them unless you invite them to. But that's weird so don't do that. 

Unless they really like you and you really like them and they're like a sibling to you, then it's totally acceptable and you should take full advantage of having at least one flatmate who isn't a snake. You'll cherish the moments you spend together because eventually you will all move out and probably never speak to any of them again. You'll be happy for the most part that you never have to endure the horrid singing of one of the snakes at four in the morning or that one flatmate who likes a few drinks and decides to come home in his drunken state and walk into EVERY wall in the house, occasionally hitting a few of the doors on the way to his room which is at the other side of the flat. Or never having to smell the wretched smell coming from the kitchen as someone has tried to do some home cooking instead of buying their usual Sainsburys basics microwave curry. 

But once you're out of that horrible flat where nothing works and the internet is shit, you'll probably be sad that you can no longer see that one flatmate you really liked and actually bonded with over swiping left to boys on Tinder. She was there for you when you went through those awkward breakups and those poorly moments. She looked after you no matter how much work she had to do and YOU will miss her. But don't worry, if she moves into a house not far from yours, there's always a possibility of sleepovers. 

One day you'll look back at your time in halls and realise you lived in a Zoo! Yeah there was BBQ sauce on the walls, yeah the floor never got hoovered because the hoover broke that one time you lent it to someone on another floor, toilet paper was a rarity because people insisted it wasn't their turn to buy it, and the bath was probably never cleaned. But all of that is ok when you're 20. 

Thanks, for reading and thanks to Bethany Simmons for thinking of the title to this page.

Love Nadia xxx