Abusive Relationships.

This post is quite deep, if you don't like to read about deep subjects i really advise that you don't read any further.

Now a lot of you reading the title will be thinking, oh that person is in a relationship were they're getting physically abused. That is not the case, there is emotional abuse as well as physical. Physical abuse is a lot easier to get over, i'm not saying it's right, god no i'd never say that, hitting someone is never acceptable. But what i am saying is that the scars and bruises will heal in time. But emotional abuse is much much harder to get over. That person has gotten into your head. Belittled you, made you feel like shit (excuse the language) and has pushed you into thinking you're worth nothing. This person can make you feel horrible in your own skin. Now i'm going to share with you my story, my story of being emotionally abused.

I was 16 years old and i was at school, i had met this guy he was 18. At first he seemed sweet, genuine, kind, at the time i could have gone on and on with a list of great things about him. We had been going out for a few months and it's then that the cracks started to show. Now at 16 i wasn't particularly curvy, nor was i busty. I was average sized, we'll get onto why this is relevant later on. So anyway the cracks started to show, he started controlling me. At first it was just checking my phone, asking me who i was texting. I thought this was normal, if i told him i was texting a guy friend he'd go mental. He'd rage and hit the walls and everything, sometimes i thought he was going to hit me.
He never did.
A few more months passed and things got worse, he made me delete every boys number from my phone. Again i thought it was cute that he was jealous and that he wanted me all to him self. I was so naive.
Then on my 17th birthday he ignored me. He never said happy birthday to me, i didn't get a present. I got nothing. Oh sorry, i got one thing. Abuse over the phone, he would swear, call me all the names under the sun. I didn't have a clue what was going on, or what i'd done wrong. But i blamed myself. My 17th birthday was the worst day ever. Then he'd ring me back telling me he was sorry and that he loved me and stupidly, i believed him. My parents could see what he was doing to me. I couldn't. They begged me to end it with him, but i couldn't bring myself to do it, i thought no one else would want me. That i was worthless. A couple of weeks later he started implying that i was putting on weight, yes i was growing boobs, finally, i'd waited so long for this, my hips started to form, i felt like a real girl. But he wasn't happy. He'd make me feel fat, and i believed him. He made me feel ugly, he would drill his nasty words into my brain so i'd see what he saw, he then started telling me how i should and shouldn't dress, he'd call me a slut when i put on pretty skirts for him but when i didn't he'd get nasty and tell me that i didn't care about him and that i didn't want to look pretty for him, it was the same with heels, i couldn't win. I was always in the wrong, it was always my fault.
I became ill. Before i was ill i weighed 50 kilos, when he pushed me to the limit i weighed only 40. I was borderline anorexic. My hips would stick out, my chest was as flat as that of a 12 year old boy and my legs and arms were like sticks, you could see my spine sticking out of my skin. My periods stopped (TMI, i know sorry) and i honestly felt my lowest point. I wasn't a girl any more. I was a skeleton.
My parents still begged me to leave him and still i refused.
He'd drop me off at school, never even saying goodbye to me. I didn't even have the strength to lift my bag up and onto my shoulders, that's how weak i'd become. I'd often sit alone and cry, not because of my relationship, oh no to me that was normal. I'd never been in a relationship before, no i cried because of the way i looked. My clothes hung off me, i could barely walk up the stairs to the classroom.
We'd been together a year, we were going to celebrate. We went out to a club together with his friends in tow. One of his friends sat next to me and was talking to me, opposite me i could see him, glaring at me, i knew from that instant that that night was going to be torture. And it was, we lay in bed together. He wouldn't go anywhere near me, the next morning i was sick, he ignored me. He ignored me for about 4 days. I thought it was all my fault. I thought if only i hadn't attracted his friend, if only i'd sat next to my boyfriend, none of this would have happened.
And then New Years eve came around, we went to his friends house for a party. I was chatting to his friends, drinking and having fun. He'd had a few drinks by this time, i see him look at me with this deathly stare. He got up randomly and went to his car.
He drove, he was drunk.
I tried to stop him but he pushed me away, he almost trapped my fingers in the car door, his friends had to help me up from the floor.
1 hour later he came back. He pushed me into the car and drove me back to his place. By this time he was mad, drunk and jealous. A deadly combination. When we arrived at his house i saw he'd packed all of my things and left them by the door. He looked me dead in the eyes and told me he never wanted to see me again, he never wanted to touch me again and that he's rather die than be in the same room as me. He told me he was going to drive me home. I refused.
That was the final straw for me. I could finally see what he was doing to me and my parents. I'd fallen out with them over him. And for what?
I rang my mum crying, it was 4 am. I was trying to talk to her, to explain the situation and all i could hear was my boyfriend crying and shouting down the phone at my mum to listen to him and that she should ignore everything that i was saying and that none of it was true. Obviously she didn't believe him, she knew the damage he'd done to me. When i told him my parents were coming to get me, he ran out of the door, without a backwards glance at me and drove off. He knew that if he'd have stayed, my dad would have beat the crap out of him.
The only problem was i had no idea where i was. All i knew was that i was in my boyfriends house. He'd always kept the address from me so i could't tell my parents where i was. 3 hours later they found me. I was on the floor crying, thinking he'd come back and finish me off, but this time physically.
When i got home i had 27 missed calls from him, all of them crying and begging me for forgiveness, begging me to come back to him. I ignored every single one of them. When he realised that i wasn't going to fall for his tricks any more he got nasty, the mean, vile messages appeared. "You're a whore, no ones going to want you" "You should be grateful when you had me" Again i ignored them.

Even now at 19 years old i'm still getting over what that bastard did to me. I've put the weight back on, i'm healthy. But in my mind his words still linger, but only in the shadows. I'm slowly turning back to my old self, but i've been put off guys for quite some time. I now pity the girl he's going out with and hope she never has to go through what i went through with him.

The reason i'm telling you my personal story is because i want people to be aware of abuse. Not just physical but mental and emotional. I managed to get out while i had the chance, who knows. If i'd stayed in that relationship any longer things could have got a lot worse, it could have ended for me. But it didn't because i saw the light. Now if you feel like you're being controlled, please, please, please get out while you still can. Don't let them take over your mind. You are your own person and no one should be allowed to take that from you.

Please be aware, share this and let people know.

Thank you so much for reading, it really means a lot to me. I love you all.

Nadia xxx